My Part in the Kirriemuir Bank Heist of 2018

Results Gym, Kirriemuir
(once the Bank of Scotland)

On an unconscionably hot and sunny day back in that halcyon era when the town of Kirriemuir had two banks rather than none, I innocently inserted my bank card into the Bank of Scotland's ATM. I then looked at the screen, but the full sun falling onto the surface rendered it illegible.

This particular cash point was installed in a window opening so high above the pavement that there was no way I could lean over the screen to create a shadow. Famously this ATM was so high off the ground that there are many photographs of shorter Kirriemuir residents standing on a chair to take their money out.

There was nothing I could do to advance or cancel the transaction, so I joined the queue inside the bank to report their "broken" facility and to somehow make the intended cash withdrawal. Naturally, during the wait (the queue was long) the cashpoint swallowed my card. I kept going outside to check the situation on the street and at one stage there was an ominous clunk.

The teller told me that I could not make a cash withdrawal as I did not have a card, and I would have to wait at least a fortnight before they could return the card. "But the card is right there!" said I pointing at the back of the ATM. "We don't have the key.", said the teller. "I do not believe you.", I said, "I demand to see the manager.".

It took an hour speaking to the manager who also denied having the key. I told him that I would not be leaving the bank without my card, as it was my only card and I would be unable to do any shopping of any form and I did not have any family I could borrow money from.

I told him that their set-up was a disaster waiting to happen, and the swallowing of the card was their responsibility not mine. I said that this disaster must have happened in the past and would happen again, and I was amazed that they had not put an awning up or something to mitigate the situation.

The manager denied this had ever happened before. At that very moment, a little old lady came into the bank extremely distressed that her card has been swallowed due to the bright sunshine. I insisted vehemently that I would not be leaving the bank, and eventually somehow he managed to open the ATM and give me my card. Duh!

I wrote an official letter of complaint to the Bank of Scotland: no reply was ever forth-coming. I repeatedly emailed the manager to find out what mitigation measures were being put in place, and he never responded. Perhaps, it is karma that the eventual mitigation measure was for him to lose his job as manager when the branch was closed and the ATM removed.

Anyhow, I hate the inertia and illogicality of large organisations when there are simple solutions to problems. In lieu of constructing an awning, I got a plastic sign made (thank you eBay) which read:

screen illegible in strong sunlight
press red button to release card

The bank manager said it was my fault the card was trapped by not hitting the red button. How was I supposed to know? I had never needed to hit the red button before.

I was careful to chose a sans-serif font to match that of the ATM and dimensioned the sign to fit a blank rectangular area on the cashpoint. I chose red letters on a white background, as befitting signage required in an emergency.

I am a time and motion expert, so one evening after giving a talk on the castle restoration in Kirriemuir, I donned my balaclava and armed myself with a black skeleton gun, in which I had mounted a tube of industrial strength adhesive. I was aware I might be caught on CCTV - hence the balaclava.

I hung around the town centre in the dark waiting for my moment to pounce i.e. when no-one else was around. The only problem was a young, rather drunk man, who didn't seem to be moving."I am bigger than this." I eventually thought and proceeded to glue the sign on regardless.

The drunk man was wide-eyed not quite believing what he was seeing. Sometimes when confronted you just gotta tell it like it is: "I figured this town could do with some better signage." was my verbal response to his silent accusing glances.

For some reason my friend Andrew would not collude with me on the crime.

Happily, I think the sign stayed in place for around 18 months, no doubt rescuing many a burger from card kidnap. I don't think the public (or even the staff?) would have detected that it was not an integral part of the ATM, although I do not know the story behind its eventual removal.

After the closure of the Bank of Scotland, there was a ram raid on the Royal Bank of Scotland's ATM, that caused the latter's closure: a coup de grâce if you will. The ATM's of Kirriemuir have suffered many an ignomy. :-)

Ironically, the Bank of Scotland building is my favourite in Kirriemuir. It has stone canons on the outside that are so reminiscent of those on Balintore Castle that I reckon the same stone mason is responsible. The Kirriemuir stonemasonry firm of George Watson worked on Balintore Castle in 1860, so there could easily have been a member of staff who continued on to the 1880's when the bank building was being built.